


And when there's nothing left to burn-

by pocketclocked



Category: Tales of Xillia
Genre: Alvin Ruining Jude's Life, Dependency Issues, Dubious Consent, M/M, Sort of Canon Compliant?, Spoilers for basically the whole game, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-21
Updated: 2014-08-21
Packaged: 2018-02-14 04:31:05
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,750
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2178000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pocketclocked/pseuds/pocketclocked
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>-you have to set yourself on fire.</p>
<p>Neither of them know when it got so twisted, but it's too late to go back now.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And when there's nothing left to burn-

**Author's Note:**

> AKA Alvin is why we can't have nice things.
> 
> Amazon still hasn't gotten me my copy of ToX2, so here's another fic! Formatting got funky again, so please let me know if you spot any errors.
> 
> Title taken from "Your Ex-Lover is Dead" by Stars.

It might have started that first night in Aladhi Seahaven, when Jude is still coming to terms with being a wanted criminal, and Alvin is trying very hard not to drag him away and take him right then and there. But the kid is already making heart eyes at Milla—Maxwell—and Alvin is thinking it might be too early in the game to play his hand. Patience is a skill that he’s acquired after all this time.

It was supposed to have been an easy mission: Follow her, kill her if we need you to. How this _child_ got involved, he’ll never figure out, but it’s making it a hell of a lot harder to focus on what needs to be done. Jude’s slight, almost girlish, and Alvin thinks he could probably wrap his whole hand around the boy’s bicep. The idea makes his fingers twitch and his gut clench. It’s been a day and he’s already so gone.

Instead, he makes polite dinner conversation and pointedly does not look at the kid’s throat when he swallows. He asks them questions, dodging ones about himself with practiced ease. Milla doesn’t seem much interested in keeping her identity a secret, and appears oblivious to the way the kid stares at her with devotion written all over his face. Alvin grinds his teeth over how easy this is— _should_ be.

And Jude. Of course Jude can cook, and is an ace med student, and a skilled martial artist. Alvin teases him for being an honors student and secretly wishes he could break him, because he doesn’t know how to be gentle.

When they go to their rooms upstairs, Jude supporting Milla on his too-slim shoulders, Alvin comes up with an excuse to take a walk. He ends up stalking around the seahaven, looking for other pretty things to ruin because he doesn’t trust himself to go back to where he knows Jude is asleep and so, so fragile.

-

Jude thinks, at first, that it’s just a game. Alvin’s just the kind of person to make passes, to hang on his shoulders and tease him about his indecision. He tries—and fails—to avoid being flustered and interested in the frequent touches and caresses; knowing, on some level, that it’s all a mask because he can see little glimpses into Alvin’s soul and it’s so very broken.

Jude tries to figure out what happened to him, but the mercenary has a way of keeping people at arm’s length. He’s never hated being called “kid” so much in his life, despises his fifteen years of age.

It feels wrong to want Alvin, feels like taking advantage. But Jude can’t help it, can’t help staring at the man’s large hands, his broad back. So he owes it to Alvin to be patient, forgiving. He deserves to have someone care for him, and Jude wonders if this is what Milla meant about having a mission.

He tries to forget that, when he’s alone, it’s the thought of Alvin’s hands on him that make him come, gasping and trembling with a name barely on his lips.

-

After Sharilton, Alvin can’t wait any longer. Jude’s golden eyes are snapping with fury and the injustice of being betrayed; it’s all Alvin can do to wait until that night at the inn, with a room to themselves, to pin him down to the bed and mouth at his throat.

The surprised noises Jude makes are better than he’d imagined, and Alvin wants to spend all night exploring what other sounds he can pull from the youth. Jude’s eyes, so hard and angry earlier, are glazed and bright, and _fifteen, fifteen, fifteen_ beats in his head like a mantra as Alvin drinks in the sight of him.

“Alvin, why-?” Jude is flushed and panting, face a mask of confusion and pleasure, and it’s taking all of Alvin’s control not to fuck him into the mattress without care. Instead he kisses along the line of Jude’s jaw and whispers,

“Because you forgave me.” And that’s it, he’s so far gone because Jude’s proven that he cares and Alvin has to push at it until it’s destroyed.

Afterward, Jude lies in his arms and whispers _Alvin_ like a praise, and the man’s sick to his stomach because he knows that Jude _wanted_ it.

Alvin doesn’t tell him that he’s breaking him all the same.

-

Leia asks who Alvin’s always writing to and laughs conspiratorially when he waggles his eyebrows and says “a woman.”

Jude laughs and jokes with the rest of them so that he can ignore how wretched and selfish he feels. It’s not his business, after all. Whatever this is with Alvin, Jude can’t ask more, feels he doesn’t deserve it. But he thinks of Nia Khera, when Alvin had refused to tell him where he’d gone.

Later that night, in the midst of Alvin kissing a line down his belly, he fumbles for the man’s sleeve.

“Alvin… who _are_ you writing those letters to?” He can barely see the man’s face in the dark room, but it’s enough to notice the flash of pain and frustration that cover his features. Alvin doesn’t respond, resumes his kissing until he’s taking Jude into his mouth, no doubt intending to make him forget. It works, for a while. But when Jude’s sprawled across him later, aching and satisfyingly raw, the question gnaws at him.

Jude doesn’t ask again.

-

Jude dotes on Elize like a daughter, and it makes Alvin sick. In those moments, more than ever, he sees what he’s stolen from Jude and he hates himself. Jude was a promising young doctor, is only fifteen, has so many other things to live for; instead, he’s risking his life on a mission that Alvin is set to ruin.

And Jude is so good, so patient. Never pushing, leaving little gifts for Alvin, like a slice of peach pie. Such an honors student that it makes Alvin's chest ache.

He tries to make up for everything, gives him little instances of happiness with her, or Leia, or Milla. Some nights he dotes on Jude, uncharacteristically slow and gentle. Silently begging for forgiveness for ruining Jude’s life.

The look Jude gives him after, full of love and adoration, could nearly break his heart. He wants to steal Jude away and hide him until he can figure his life out, can learn how to love Jude without breaking him. But he knows even he can’t convince Jude to leave Milla’s side.

Alvin wants to hate Milla, to blame her for the way Jude would follow her to the ends of the earth. But he knows it’s Jude’s choice, and—grudgingly—he’s come to admire her himself, because how could he not? Milla’s got a determination and conviction that no one else has ever shown him.

It's a shame he has to kill her. But he's come too far to back out now, so he keeps his head down and tries not to think of how Jude will react when he finds out.

-

After Kanbalar, Jude trembles under the weight of Alvin’s arm around his shoulder because it’s started to feel like a cage. He knows now how easily trust can be betrayed, and worse, they both know that Jude can’t stop forgiving even if it kills them. Alvin will keep taking, and Jude will never be able to say no.

Later, Alvin presses him against the wall of an alley in Xian Du, biting down on his neck as he fumbles with the buckle of Jude’s pants. He thinks he hears him whisper “I’m sorry, so sorry, I’ll make it up to you” even as Alvin drags broken sounds from him with a practiced hand.

He wants to sob that this won’t make it better, that they need to stop because this is so twisted and _wrong_. Alvin can’t understand that this was never what he wanted for either of them, and Jude wants to beat it into him with his fists. Instead, he comes with a shuddering cry of Alvin’s name and tears on his cheeks.

 He feels weak and trapped, and he’s never hated himself more.

-

Alvin hates Dr. Mathis for making Jude the person he is, hates him even more for the handprint on Jude’s cheek. His control is fragile and calculated, and he bristles at the implication that Derrick could ruin everything by telling Jude the truth. Because the truth, he is convinced, will get Jude killed, and Alvin can’t let that happen. Jude’s forgiven him, given himself to Alvin completely, and the mercenary can’t let go now because Jude is _his_.

“Come now,” he says, voice sickly sweet and edged with a threat. “You make it sound like I’m holding Jude hostage.”

Judging by the look on Derrick’s face, he knows the exact nature of their relationship, and it’s a miracle that he doesn’t lock Jude up and refuse to let him go. Alvin wouldn’t blame him, but can’t bring himself to let it happen, so he promises to do his best to keep Jude safe even if it tastes like a lie.

-

Back in Sharilton, Milla fixes him with a stern eye and asks if he trusts Alvin to have his back in a battle. Jude wants to sob because she knows, of _course_ she knows, and maybe she can help stop what’s happening to them, give them some kind of answer.

Before he knows it, he's half reaching for her, but the words are stuck in his throat. Even if she knows, how can he explain? Someone else, perhaps someone wiser, would have given up on Alvin long ago; Jude feels like he's the only one left who cares, and he owes it to him to stay. Somewhere he realizes that it's so, so wrong, that this is his chance to get out and he should fucking _take_ it.

Instead he nods his head and leaves it at that.

That night, Alvin’s too rough with him, making him cry out and sob for release like he _knows_ how close Jude had come to admitting everything. He's gentle and apologetic afterward, murmuring promises and assurances and wrapping around Jude like he's something precious and fragile.

Jude hates him for it but forgives anyway. Always does.

-

Milla proved to be the best of them, doing Alvin's job for him, and afterward he realizes that he couldn't have killed her at all. But no one takes her loss harder than Jude, and Alvin arrives in Hamil to find him sprawled, unseeing, uncaring of the barrel of a gun shoved in his face.

“Do whatever you want,” he says, and Alvin wants to scream because doesn't Jude realize he already _has_? Alvin has broken him over and over only to be forgiven every damn time. And now Jude's as lifeless as a doll and Alvin wants to shake him and show him what a fragile thing mortality is.

He really doesn't mean to shoot Leia--beautiful, wonderful Leia who takes care of Jude and somehow manages to fend him off. But the shot wakes Jude up, makes him yell and fly at him with kicks and punches and snarls. Alvin fights back with as much ferocity, is surprised by the hatred he feels, but doesn't shoot to kill.

Because Alvin wants to bend him, break him, but he can’t kill him. That’s one line that he can’t cross.

It's the thing that ruins him, gets him pinned to the ground as Jude strikes at his face over and over. It takes him a moment to realize that the youth is sobbing, and Alvin drops his weapons to clutch at him and murmur _Jude_.

“Come back with me,” he begs. “To Elympios.”

"I can't," Jude hiccups. Such a fucking _kid_. "Everyone here-" And then he stiffens, eyes widening in alarm as when he sees Leia. "Alvin, let go."

Alvin, stubborn, clamps his hands around Jude's waist and grunts, "No."

"She-She's gonna bleed out, Alvin-" Jude feels like he'll shake apart with the force of his sobs. " _Please_."

"Forget about her!" Alvin snarls, and he's flipping them, pinning Jude to the ground and leaning in close. "Forget about all of them," _love me, come back with me, I need you_ goes unspoken and Alvin clenches his teeth around the words to keep them in.

"No." The loathing in Jude's eyes startles him. "I can't, Alvin," and his next words are choked, "I don't want this."

Alvin sucks in a breath, stricken. It's no surprise, but it hurts, and he sinks down to rest his forehead on Jude's chest. "What.. what am I supposed to do now?"

"I... don't know. Whatever your own path is." And Alvin grits his teeth because how should Jude know everything, he's just a damn kid.

"I'm not like you," he whispers, feeling cracked. His hands are running over the boy beneath him, lingering over cuts that he's inflicted. "I'm not- a good person."

Jude breathes in, and Alvin meets his eyes and wants to scream because after everything he's done, he sees _forgiveness_.

"It's time we were responsible for our actions."

And then Jude is up, scrambling over to Leia's crumpled form and murmuring in low tones. Alvin spares them one last look, then leaves.

-

Jude wishes it was easy to hate Alvin, to forget about him. But it's not. He's happy with Elize and Leia and Rowen, but Milla and Alvin are missing and it feels wrong because he started all of this with _them_. So he throws himself into his mission to stop Muzet, to find Maxwell and answers that he desperately needs.

He doesn't know how to feel when they find Alvin on the Hollowmont with Agria and Presa, but he's shocked when Alvin chooses them. The mercenary won't meet his eyes, and there's something like defeat in his posture, but he defends them all the same.

Presa's death does something to him, and Jude thinks of all those nights when he'd begged Alvin for details of his past. He thinks that maybe Presa was the last thing he had, and that her loss might break him for good. And Leia, who is so good, who doesn't know, tells him to go comfort Alvin because he’s the only one who can. So Jude goes to him, for Leia, and for Alvin.

“You should come with us,” Jude whispers, barely loud enough for Alvin to hear. Neither one of them is happy about it. Things are still too raw between them.

"So what, now now the kids want to babysit me?" The words are sharp rather than teasing, and Jude flinches.

"Don't... don't think this is easy for me. I can't forget what you did to Leia." Because Jude can forgive everything when it comes to himself, but he can't let that go. He glances at Alvin and sees the tense line of his shoulders. Suddenly he wants to reach out and touch, but he yanks his hand back before he can.

If Alvin notices, he doesn't show it. "I'll tell her I'm sorry."

Jude turns away. "You do that."

-

They don't really talk after that. Alvin quietly slips in with the group, and Jude doesn't mention it, and everyone goes along like it's normal.

The first time they tried to link, Jude had nearly been smashed under a monster's fist, so overwhelmed by the _sorrysorrysosorryforgivemepleasesorry_ that had poured between them, tethering them together. Alvin broke the link and cut the beast down before Jude could recover, refusing to look at him.

They don’t link after that.

They find Milla, or maybe she finds them, and it's a little better. They get to Elympios.

Jude saves his questions for Balan, unable to ask Alvin because he can't bear to make him hate Elympios any more than he already does. He focuses on his mission and tries to find a way to save everyone, because no one deserves to be sacrificed.

Alvin tries to stay out of the way, too guilt-ridden to look anyone in the eye. He prowls Trigleph like a criminal and waits before everyone to fall asleep before going to the room to sleep.

They defeat Gaius and Muzet.

They save the world.

And then they each go their separate ways, and don't see each other again.

-

At least for a while. The next time they meet is a year later. Jude's taller now, and broader in the shoulders, and Alvin stares at him in the Trigleph market like he's seen a ghost.

Jude sees him and offers a fragile smile and a wave. He's with Balan, and Alvin doesn't miss the familiar way that his cousin rests a hand on Jude's shoulder, or the fond look in his eye. It makes Alvin twitch.

"Alfred!" They're walking over now, and it's too late to make a break for it, so Alvin waits, feeling awkward.

"Balan," he nods to his cousin, then, reluctantly, turns to Jude. He doesn't look much like a kid anymore, long and lean with those gold eyes that seem to see through him. "...Jude."

"Hey, Alvin." Jude's voice is soft, and if Balan notices the discomfort between them, he ignores it in favor of throwing his arms around the two of them.

"Jude and I-" the words make Alvin's gut clench. "-Were just heading back to my apartment for some lunch. How about you join us?"

"Ah, I'm actually on a job. Work before pleasure and all that." It's a lie, but he can't stand the thought of forced conversation with the two of them.

"Liar," Balan laughs, always too keen, and maybe he knows more than he's letting on. "C'mon, it's just lunch, right Jude?"

And Jude flashes that small smile again. "Yeah." It makes Alvin's heart leap before he shoves the feeling down. He can't get his hopes up, not again. But the sight of Jude is addicting, and Alvin knows he's weak and horrible, so he says _okay_ and follows.

Balan, bastard that he is, claims that he'll have to run back out to pick up a few more things, and before either one of them can offer to go with him, he's out the door and leaving them standing alone in his apartment. Jude glances his way and bites his lip.

"Alvin-"

"Jude-"

They look at each other and almost laugh before looking away again. The silence is so awkward it's painful, but Alvin doesn't want to break it. Jude's here, and he's not screaming at him to leave, get out. Alvin realizes how hollow the last year has been, because no matter how busy he was, he could only think about what he could have done differently, what he _should_ have done.

And Jude... Jude's grown up and is so successful and probably doesn't even miss him.

Alvin clears his throat. "Ah, so. Are you two... together?"

"What?" And suddenly Jude laughs, and some of the awkwardness vanishes. "No, no. We just work together. I stay here in Balan's spare room when I'm in Trigleph for Spyrite research."

Something loosens in Alvin's stomach at the admission, and before he can help it, he's backing Jude up against the wall and pressing his face into the boy's shoulder. _Jude, Jude, Jude_ he murmurs the name like a prayer, and how could Alvin ever let him go?

Jude locks up under the touches, still fragile and so unsure, and Alvin takes a breath before leaning back.

"Can I kiss you?"

The question takes Jude by surprise, eyes curious and a little glazed. Then, slowly, he nods, and Alvin's pressing their lips together with more care than he's ever shown before. Jude groans under him and wraps his arms around Alvin, and Alvin wants to crow because _yes_ , this is what he wants. He moves to mouth at Jude's throat, hands slipping under his shirt to grasp at the boy's sides, stroking soft skin that's marred by scars.

"Alvin," Jude's voice is breathy and soft. "Wait, Alvin-" He pushes at his chest, gently—Alvin knows how strong he can be--so Alvin leaves off with the kisses but doesn't move back. He hasn't had this in so long, hasn't had _Jude_.

"I'm so sorry," he whispers. "Please, Jude, I'm so sorry, I'm _horrible_ , I know it, I just." He presses his face to Jude's neck. "I need you so fucking much." 

" _Alvin_ ," Jude sighs. "I forgive you. But I can't keep doing this."

"No," and Alvin's heart has stopped, blood freezing in his veins because he knows this will be the end of him. "No, _no_ , _Jude_ -"

"Wait-" Jude's so different from the kid he first met, voice firm and pitched low. "I can't do this like we did before. _Alvin_ ," and he wraps his hands in Alvin's collar, forcing him to look up. "You're not horrible. But I need you to at least be honest with me."

And Alvin soars because yes, yes he will be a fucking _saint_ for Jude. Jude, who forgives him and believes that he can be a good person, and he tells him this and emphasizes every word with a kiss.

"I mean it!" Jude's flushed, but his face is serious. "I can't- It wasn't right, what we had before. I need you to be honest with me, this time. No more secrets."

"Yes, I swear, I promise," and Alvin's got so much to prove, but Jude's giving him that chance and it's all he needs--one more chance. " _Jude_."

He crushes their lips together again, and Jude is moaning encouragement and grabbing Alvin's tie to yank him down for a better angle. Alvin can feel the hard line of Jude's body against his, and it's so good, he'll do anything for this, for Jude. It's something precious and amazing and he doesn't want to push at it or break it anymore, now that he knows what he can have. The kiss becomes softer, and Alvin wraps his arms around Jude--still a bit too skinny—and thinks that he'll follow the kid to the ends of the earth.

Jude eventually pulls back, murmuring to wait, to go slow, and Alvin listens because he can't screw it up this time. He'll go slow and gentle, and he'll love Jude without hurting him because Jude's shown him how.

And it's not perfect, but it's something, and it’s so much more than he thinks he deserves. Alvin grabs it in a heartbeat and doesn’t look back.


End file.
